Yada, yada, yada

Can’t help but think of where I was eleven years ago today. Nothing about that period in my life is the same. But then nothing about our whole world is the same. Everything seems to be turned upside down and inside out. I keep waiting for the world to right itself, but it continues on its destructive path. I guess until we all surrender to the One who can make everything right this is how life will be.

Not sure what to write, but just want to write and post something. With all that’s happened this year, my anxiety problems have returned. I had really started to become comfortable in my own skin, if that makes any sense. I switched medicines and so I have had to re-learn everything. How to calm myself down again and to relax if possible, and to go places even when I feel like crap. That’s not easy when I feel loopy. Ah, the joy of anxiety attacks.

In the last couple months, this gray striped cat has hung around our house. We called him “Gilbert” and fed and watered him. He seemed content, then he disappeared. We feared that he had been hit by a car or that someone else had taken him in. He showed up again after a three week absence (we think he was catting around) and one morning brought a little friend with him. The little friend couldn’t have been more than six weeks old; a cute yellow-striped tabby kitten. We named him Rumpelstiltskin, Baby Rumpel for short. The poor thing had worms and an upper respiratory infection, but we got him some anti-biotics and were doctoring him. We made the mistake of letting him outside and a neighbor grabbed on to him. Knowing good and well that we were caring for Baby Rumpel, she took him to the vet and had him put to sleep. Naturally we were devastated and infuriated. Thankfully we were able to spare Gilbert from the same fate. After learning that he was healthy and had been neutered, we tried making him part of our family. That didn’t quite work out because we already had two cats and he wanted to dominate them. We weren’t sure what to do, but a co-worker of my Mom’s heard that Gil needed a good home and offered to take him in. So, we’re all very relieved about that.

Still, I have a lot of anger (maybe even hatred) for what this neighbor did. She has done other things, smaller things to us. There was a time that we were friends, but that was long ago. If she hates us, fine, whatever. But to take a poor, innocent little kitten and put it down just to spite us…it’s going to take an act of God for me to forgive this woman. I don’t claim to be perfect; maybe we did do something to offend her or hurt her in the past. But, really, euthanizing a defenseless kitten as a means of revenge? God give me strength! Hatred is a sin, I know. This is just something I will have to work on, I guess.

I haven’t been writing too much the last few weeks. I did a little last week on WIP #2 and ought to resume my work on it. I’m also doing research for WIP #3. I did hear a piece of news though that is exciting for me. I had submitted a short story for this book that is to be published next year called, “I Believe in Healing.” Well, it has been chosen to be included in the book. So, yay! I’ll finally be published. 

Day by Day

That’s how we’re taking it, day by day. I think with all of the craziness going on around here has been a little helpful. It is exhausting but it certainly keeps us distracted. Just when we think that we can’t take one more blow, somehow we’re able to hold it together. Others have it harder than we do. Everywhere I turn someone is in some kind of pain or going through some sort of difficulty.

Still writing like crazy. Nothing new to report on that score though. Just keeping my fingers crossed.

Trying to diet again. Yes, yet again. I need to lose maybe 30lbs. When I dieted in 2010, 22lbs came off in six months’ time. It didn’t last though, obviously. Maybe this fall I can start exercising again. For someone like me who battles anxiety attacks and depression, it is good to exercise. Finding the time though, is nearly impossible. Guess eventually I’ll just have to make time.

I’m a little late to jump on the “Once Upon a Time” bandwagon, but better late than never, right? I watched a little of last season and tuned in when my favorite Disney princesses showed up. Unfortunately I had missed my favorite heroine, Belle. When her episode premiered, our DVR went kaput. I did see the season finale when she showed up at Mr. Gold’s shop and was a little confused when they confessed their feelings for each other. Last I recalled Belle’s guy was Beast. Just this last week, I was able to watch episode 12 “Skin Deep” and all I can say is OH. MY. GOSH! Loved it! Rumplestillskin was always a hilarious character, but I just totally fell in love with him. It’s hard to remember that he’s a bad guy. Then I saw some scenes with him and his son and my heart went out to him. I have to keep reminding myself that this is not real and is just a TV show.

Now I am on a “Beauty and the Beast” kick. Sean and I dug out our old VHS tape of “Beauty and the Beast” and re-watched it. Still love it. Next we’re going to watch this new teeny-bopper movie called, “Beastly.” If it’s any good, I may even read the book.

Daydream Believer

Remember that song, by the Monkees? Whenever I hear it, I want to cry. When I was a girl, seven or so years old, I remember sitting out on our front porch and listening to it. It reminds me of my youth. As a kid I couldn’t wait to be an adult and now not a day goes by that I don’t day dream about being a kid.

Since I last wrote, my sister had gallbladder surgery and then six weeks after my Dad died, my aunt passed away. It’s a crazy, mixed up time for us. None of it seems real and I at times I really believe that someday everything will be the way it was. All that I can ask from anyone right now is prayer. Especially for my mother. It has hit her the hardest. It was her husband who died, and her baby sister she lost. If we didn’t have faith in Christ and the promise of Heaven, we’d be lost right now. In many ways we are lost, but we know that we’ll find our way again and that it won’t always be hard for us.

I don’t know much else to say. I have been writing; manically almost. Whether it’s much good or not, time will tell. I have tried my hand at shorter pieces and have submitted them to various places. Maybe this sounds crass, but it’s to make a bit of a name for myself and earn a little money. I need to do something.

Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers. God bless and love to you all!

My Truths & Lies: The Answers

I know you have been just dying for the results. Here are my answers!

1. I am adopted. - FALSE. As a kid I thought I was because I didn't resemble either of my parents. I actually resemble my aunt, my grandfather and my great-uncle.

2. My family once owned a pig.- TRUE. On the search for a family pet, my parents got my sister and I a pot-belly pig named Willy. No, we did not live in the country. We were city-dwellers. Needless to say, it did not work out.

3. I wanted to be a writer for as long as I can remember.- FALSE. As a kid I wanted to be a teacher, a firefighter and an astronomer.

4. I have never drank alcohol.- FALSE. My Dad gave me a droplet of a beer when I was a baby. When I was twenty-three, I tasted homemade wine.

5. Growing up, I loved to wear dresses.- FALSE. I hated those dress-up moments.

6. My favorite meal is pizza.- FALSE. Actually, it is my Grandma's spaghetti.

7. Chocolate has always been my true love.- FALSE. I saw the light when I was eight or so and have dedicated myself to chocolate ever since. I considered those first eight years the darkest years of my life.

8. I can't stand coffee.- FALSE. I am now addicted to ice coffee.

9. My family were once missionaries in Germany.- FALSE. That would have been cool though.

10. I don't have a favorite book because I love too many books.- TRUE. There are just too many books out there to love.

11. "The Wizard of Oz," is my favorite movie.- FALSE. It use to be. It holds a special place in my heart though.

12. I have been by bees at least a dozen times.- FALSE. Have never been stung!

13. I drive a 1994, Aqua colored Festiva, with fushia lightening stripes down the sides.- FALSE. The Festiva use to be my parents car and I have driven it, but never owned it.

14. I am heart and soul a Hoosier, but I was born in Illinois.- FALSE. I am a Hoosier by birth too.

15. Basketball is my favorite sport to play.- FALSE. Actually, it is hockey and I wasn't half bad at it either.

16. My favorite song is "Over the Rainbow," sung by Judy Garland.- FALSE. My favorite is, "You Belong to Me," by Tori Amos.

17. Bavarian torte with cream cheese icing is my favorite dessert.- TRUE. My Dad use to make it and I loved it.

18. My favorite drink is Cherry Coke.- FALSE. Cherry Italian sodas are my favorite.

19. Jane Austen is my favorite author.- TRUE. Love her!

20. I have been engaged before.- FALSE. Never even had a boyfriend. 

My Truths & Lies

Here are 20 statements. Three are true. See if you can find them. In a few days I'll post the results.

1. I am adopted.

2. My family once owned a pig.

3. I wanted to be a writer for as long as I can remember.

4. I have never drank alcohol.

5. Growing up, I loved to wear dresses.

6. My favorite meal is pizza.

7. Chocolate has always been my true love.

8. I can't stand coffee.

9. My family were once missionaries in Germany.

10. I don't have a favorite book because I love too many books.

11. "The Wizard of Oz," is my favorite movie.

12. I have been by bees at least a dozen times.

13. I drive a 1994, Aqua colored Festiva, with fushia lightening stripes

down the sides.

14. I am heart and soul a Hoosier, but I was born in Illinois.

15. Basketball is my favorite sport to play.

16. My favorite song is "Over the Rainbow," sung by Judy Garland.

17. Bavarian torte with cream cheese icing is my favorite dessert.

18. My favorite drink is Cherry Coke.

19. Jane Austen is my favorite author.

20. I have been engaged before.

As Time Goes By

The last month has slipped by so quickly. I feel like I have lived in limbo since the couple days of April. We all have really. And yet April 28^th (the last day Dad was alive) seems like years ago. Mom, Sean and I have drawn closer, but the family is incomplete now. We don’t laugh as hard as we did before or enjoy the moments. Nothing makes sense. If I didn’t have faith I’d be a lost cause. Last Saturday we saw his grave for the first time since his funeral. My mind cannot fathom that my Dad is buried there. This seems wrong to me. My Aunt told us all something that has stayed with me. My Grandma was 15 years old when she lost her Daddy and she never really got over it. I totally understand. She had it harder than I do though. She was only a kid and it was during the Great Depression. But I get it, why she never got over it. Her Daddy was only 44 when he died whereas mine was 60. Still, I don’t think anyone is ever prepared to lose their parents, no matter how old they are. Grandma was braver than I am. She probably confided in her brother and sisters, but she never felt sorry for herself and never burdened anyone. My only hope is that I can live up to the example that she left me. If she survived all of that, somehow we will too.

Just when we think things might settle down a little bit, something else happens. My sister Sean has been in traction for the last month. She’s been having stomach problems for a while now and since we lost Dad, it has increasingly gotten worse. The doctor did some tests and learned that her gall bladder is not functioning at a normal rate. She is to have it out tomorrow. Sean is looking forward to it because it has given her nothing but misery for two years now. I can’t wait to see her back to her old self.

In regards to my writing: The Harper Lee article I wrote for the May/June issue of Femnista is now available at charitysplace.com. I wrote an article for the July/August issue about “The Wizard of Oz,” book and movie. I still have one article for the September/October issue that I haven’t even started on. Very excited because it is to be about someone I admire very much: Sophie Scholl. Can’t wait. I never did get around to submitting a story in for the Writer’s Digest Contest. I found another contest that would suit the story better so I may try to submit it there. We’ll see. It needs some tweaking here and there. Also there is a story I am working on for Chicken Soup for the Soul book. Not sure if it will be accepted. Time will tell. In the mean time I am revising WIP #1. An agent asked for it exclusively for the next three months. So psyched about this that it almost seems too good to be true. I’m afraid that I’ll wake up and all of it will disappear.

Again, thank you to you all who have been praying for us. I so appreciate it. Love to you all! God Bless!

Untitled

My Dad died on April 29, 2012, in the early morning. Mom found him in bed that Sunday morning and we think he had gone in his sleep. His eyes were closed and he had a strange smile on his face. Saturday the 28^th was ideal. I had received what I considered good news the day before and we were all happy, going grocery shopping, talking about buying a new grill because the old one was shot. Nothing out of the ordinary happened and for Sunday Dad planned to make a big meal like he always did. Evidently something was really wrong with him; we suspect he had a heart attack and it took him quickly. The visitation was on May 2^nd and the funeral was the 3^rd. He was only 60 years old.

Our faith in Christ is carrying us through and consoles me because I know where Dad is. Knowing that I will see him again someday comforts me.

I wish I could write more openly on this blog about how I feel, but my words feel forced. To go in depth about it doesn’t seem right to me. I can only say this: life will never be the same again.

To anyone who has prayed for us, I sincerely thank you and ask for God to bless you.