Critiquing My Query

A couple months ago, I submitted my query letter to Kate Testerman of KT Literary for her to critique it. Last Friday, Ms. Testerman posted it and her thoughts. Even a couple of her readers commented on it. Definite food for thought. I thought it would be cool if I posted my original letter here and then post the new version of it.  

Dear Daphne:

Please allow me to introduce you to my novel, “Hidden Places.”

At the backdrop of Nazi occupied Poland, spanning from 1942 to 1943, the story is told through the eyes of Hanna, a young and imaginative girl who dreams of going to Hollywood to become a famous actress. Her world is turned upside down when her father decides to hide Jews. In the beginning, she is appalled and prejudiced but after she gets to know them, Hanna grows to love them. When her parents choose to no longer hide her Jewish friends, she takes it upon herself to set up a new hiding place and protects them.

Truth and honesty are woven into the fabric of the story using finely delicate threads. My heroine is not perfect; she is the product of an era steeped in anti-Semitism. Hanna thinks Jews are different… until she meets one. She must come to terms with the fact that everything she was ever taught was wrong. It is a bildungsroman story, where a selfish young girl transforms into a selfless young woman.

My novel is a historical, written in the first person as an epistolary narrative and is approximately 70,000 words. The target audience is for young adults and hopefully is reminiscent of the actual diaries that youths had written during that turbulent time in history. If “Hidden Places” meets with success, I would like for Hanna’s story to be the first in a series outlining her life during WWII.

Those who liked Ruta Sepetys’ “Between Shades of Grey,” which is a novel of a young girl living in a Soviet gulag, may also enjoy my novel.

I am a regular contributor to [website]’s online magazine “[title]” and will soon have my second non-fiction story published. I am seeking representation from an agent and would be honored if you would consider me.

Thank you and God Bless.

Sincerely,

V.L.A.

Click here if you want to read her suggestions.

Now here is my new version.

Dear -----------:

Please allow me to introduce you to my novel, “Hidden Places.”

At the backdrop of Nazi occupied Poland, spanning from 1942 to 1943, the story is told through the eyes of Hanna, a young and imaginative girl who dreams of going to Hollywood to become a famous actress. When she gets her hands on a blank book, she can’t help but use it for a diary, even though what she writes could lead to trouble.

The world as she knows it changes dramatically when her father decides to hide a Jewish family. He claims that they are friends of his despite the fact no one in the family knows them. Overnight their simple life becomes entangled with secrets, deceit and danger. In the beginning, Hanna is prejudiced, due to the influence of her mother; she thinks Jews are different…until she gets to know one. Through her interactions with one of their guests, a teenage boy named Jakob, she must come to terms with the fact that everything she was ever taught was wrong.

After an encounter with the Gestapo, her parents decide to no longer hide Jewish friends; Hanna takes it upon herself to set up a new hiding place and protects them.

My novel is a historical, written in the first person as a fictional diary, and is approximately 70,000 words. The target audience is for young adults and hopefully is reminiscent of the actual diaries, that youths, such as Anne Frank or Mary Berg, had written during that turbulent time in history.

Those who liked Ruta Sepetys’ “Between Shades of Grey,” which is a novel of a young girl living in a Soviet gulag, may also enjoy my novel.

I am a regular contributor to "website's" online magazine “TITLE” and will soon have my second non-fiction story published. I am seeking representation from an agent and would be honored if you would consider me.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

V. L. A.

Okay, now what do you all think?